Do you trust God? It’s an interesting question, right? If you’ve been a Christian for a while your immediate response might be “of course!” or “with my whole heart!” For others, you might be a little slower to respond, might a little longer to dig deep into your heart to find the answer. For most of us, we would likely say ‘yes’. It might be to varying degrees, but overall as Christians we would say that we trust God and his will for our lives.
So why, when we are faced with uncertainty, with trials and difficulties, do we start to doubt his goodness? Why, when faced with temptation, do we falter in our boundaries and values and start to question our ability to withstand it? I’m sorry if you were looking for a fluff piece this week. Because, unfortunately, this isn’t it. This isn’t a piece that will fill your heart with butterflies and rainbows and make you walk away feeling on top of the world. This is a piece that will bring to the surface the raw truth of how completely broken and sinful we are. And yet, at the same time, how utterly in love God is with us.
When God asked me to move cities at the end of 2019, I was all in. I was ready to pack up my bags and go to the place that he wanted to call me to. I had done it before, picking up my life and moving to Sydney when I was 24, leaving my family behind in Queensland and pursing the place he had called me to back then. Now, in the face of moving again, I knew what to expect, or I thought I did. What I wasn’t prepared for is that this time, God took a long time in showing me where he wanted me to go. I experienced homelessness for five weeks and lived out of a suitcase on my friends’ spare beds. I wasn’t sure where I was going, but I had faith that God had a plan. Shortly after, about two weeks into this period of time, with my current job coming to a close and nothing lined up for where to move to or what to do afterwards, I finally felt peace about moving to a city called Newcastle, roughly two hours north of Sydney. A few weeks later, I moved up.
Four days later, the state went into lockdown. Coronavirus, something that was not even a word back then, had arrived in Australia. Now, alone in a new city, I had to face my new reality. Churches were shut, cafes and restaurants shut, and despite connecting with both the city and my new housemates, the doubt started to creep in. Is this really where God called me to? There was a lack of the peace and knowledge that had settled on me in Sydney. Despite not enjoying the city of Sydney and not enjoying the workplace, the knowledge that this was the place God wanted me to be had always been a knowing in my heart, like a fact as true as my name or the number of siblings I had. In Newcastle, it was completely different.
I was uncertain if I had made the right decision and I struggled with doubt. Doubt that this is where I was meant to be, doubt that there was a plan and purpose for why I was here. I couldn’t see His plan or purpose in this place. Things weren’t aligning with what I had envisioned would happen. Where I pictured myself being thrown into serving and ministry at a department leader level, I was serving and helping out on a team I had never served in before. Where I envisioned meeting new people, making new friends, I felt isolated from the church community that was meeting online and didn’t know who I was. Where I hoped to spend my weekends crawling through cafes and eating out at restaurants, I was limited to takeaway coffees and Netflix at home.
For eight months, I had doubt over where I was. It led me down a cascade of starting to doubt I had heard correctly from God, and finally that I could hear from God at all. My spiritual gift of discernment had dried up. I was no longer able to tell what God wanted me to do in specific moments. I couldn’t feel His presence and I couldn’t hear His voice. I cried out to God, begging to hear Him again, desperate for the guidance in my life that I was so dependent on. I was crippled in my decision making, unable to decide on anything without the clarification and confirmation from God I had come to need. I could no longer sense Holy Spirit inside me, no longer got excited when prayers and prophecies got confirmed. It was like a shadow was over my spirit. Every time something seemed to align or confirm something God has spoken earlier, doubt would creep in and I would question if it was simply expected or a coincidence. ‘Oh yeah,’ I would find myself thinking. ‘Maybe that was God.’
…It took a long time for me to unpack that I was upset at God. A whole 12 months after moving to Newcastle before I finally realised that was what it was. I was upset and angry at him that the things I felt he had promised me hadn’t come true. Newcastle wasn’t the place I had thought it would be, it wasn’t the catalyst to start my ministry career, it wasn’t the place I found my husband, it wasn’t a place where I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life. I felt like I couldn’t trust in his promises anymore, that the things he said to me wouldn’t always come true. This anger and frustration and disappointment in God and what he had said to me had created a distance between me and hearing Him. I had stopped trusting in His word when it would come, and eventually I stopped being able to hear it at all.
Doubt is a really powerful thing. Something that I don’t think we really give enough attention to as Christians. Doubt doesn’t just come over night, it starts small and grows, ever so slightly, so that you don’t really notice the difference until it’s too late. Doubt and disappointment had invaded my mind, and I felt unable to turn to God. The promises he had given me did not appear to be working out, and I worried that I had made a terrible mistake by moving to Newcastle. I worried that I had missed out on the true path and journey He had for me.
How do you respond when you’re faced with challenges? Do you stop at the earliest sign of inconvenience down the path that God has called you to? When you’re scared, do you turn around and go back the other way? Or do you dig in to the place God has called you to go, trusting in the treasure at the end?
Do we actually trust God? Do we trust him to keep us safe, to guide us and protect us on our paths, to have our best intentions at heart? It’s scary, and takes boldness, to push aside our fears and keep digging deep into God and His word. When our heart pleads with us to stop and turn around, that we’ve made a mistake, will we find the courage to push past that and continue through.
It took me realising that doubt was blocking me from experiencing the sweetness of his love and presence for me to learn how to hear his voice again. Slowly, slowly, it is coming back and I am finally feeling settled and at peace living in this beautiful city. Throughout this whole time I had never faulted on spending time with God. I was still digging in daily, trying to hear him and understand. And yet nothing came. There was only silence where once my mind had overflowed in words and visions. It is a good reminder that the Holy Spirit is a gift given to us, not earnt out of our own works or being more ‘holy’. Do I believe you can lose the Holy Spirit entirely? No, because Jesus says he will be with us forever (John 15). But I do believe that the Holy Spirit comes with spiritual gifts, and that these can be given or taken away at any time (but more on that in another post).
I guess the summary of all this comes down to one word: Trust. Trust in him to keep you safe. Trust to push past the fears and seek His promises, even when reality doesn’t seem to be matching up. Trust that he will make a way, that he is teaching and growing us in ways that could never be replicated. The enemy will do all he can to make you doubt His word and love for you. He will make you doubt the journey you’re on until you want to turn around and give it all up. And while the human race may believe in our own intelligence and logical reasoning, I know that our God can see and understand so much more than we ever will. So next time you are faced with hardship, trials, difficulties, challenges. Ask yourself the one question that will make the biggest difference: “Do I trust God?”
Emma Catchpole
Christian author, artist and podcaster
www.emmajanecatchpole.com.au
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