Porn: too many tears and too much pain

I want to write a thought on a topic that seems taboo in the Christian World. No one seems to know how to broach this subject and so it is ignored altogether, left in the too hard basket for some future 'man of God' to enlighten us on. But having this conversation is something that I am passionate about - as it played a big part in an area of my personal life which in turn destroyed my sense of worth and almost buried me in self-loathing and shame. I don't know the 'right way' to share on this, I don't have all the answers - but I fought too many battles, cried too many tears and experienced too much pain on my own, to now turn around and allow others to do the same. I'm writing this about porn to those who feel discouraged, hopeless, and trapped.

My journey with porn started young - when I was around 8 years old (parents and future parents, might I suggest that 13 is too late to have 'that' conversation?). A young boy with hurts and fears who found an escape in a magical medium he couldn't even explain. Yet without understanding what I was viewing, deep down I knew it was wrong and that I couldn't share with anyone what I had seen. And so not a soul found out until I first shared when I was 13 years old - a once innocent teenage boy almost dying under the weight of his shame. A boy so gripped by addiction that he held no control and feared there was no longer a way out. 5 years of wearing a mask and hiding the pain had left me an insecure, wounded young man, who saw himself as worthless and unlovable.

"There's something I need to tell you" I forced the sentence out amidst sobs. 'you can't do this alone anymore' I told myself. 'She's always listened and loved you, she'll know how to help'.

"What’s wrong my sweet?" My mum answered.

"No never mind" ' I can't do it. She won't understand, this is my secret to carry' my mind shouted out at me.

I was lucky enough to have a mother that pushed me to share - but it wasn't exactly an easy subject to share with anyone, let alone my mother. I don't remember how long I argued or how long I sat with clenched teeth, a silent battle raging in my mind between the perceived shame of exposure and my desperate need for freedom, but finally my need for change won out. With eyes staring harder than I thought possible into the ground and tears streaming down my face, I shared my deep, dark secret. And so started a very long and very painful journey of healing.

I don't know your journey or your worldview. Perhaps you are someone who views pornography as harmless, in which case I ask you - please go do the research! But for most people that I talk to who have experienced a battle with pornography, it is a battle of shame, weakness, and regret. Knowing deep down that it is wrong, but unable to find the strength to fight against it. That has been me on so many occasions, and for so many years.

And it wasn't for lack of trying that this addiction remained in my life. I paid for counselling, I had accountability partners who would check in with me frequently, I installed programs on my laptop and phone, I sold my laptop, I made a deal with a friend that if I looked at porn I would give away $100 - every time. I prayed, I fasted, I shared with people, I stood in faith, I did everything I could think of to try and break the hold it had on me. yet somehow over the years it continued to remain in my life. And somehow over the year, it seemed to be unspoken of in the majority of church services that I went to. It was almost as if people hoped that if they ignored the problem, then it would go away. Strangely enough, that didn't work for me either.

But a few months ago I decided I wanted to write this story of encouragement - both as spark of hope for you, and as a mile marker for myself. Something I can turn to when the temptation arises - a physical reminder of how long the journey was, how hard the battles were, and how painful the aftermath was. Because there is a point of breakthrough - there is a light of freedom at the end of the tunnel. I don't have all the answers, but here's a few lessons I've learnt along the journey:

1. Shame is an attack from the enemy, not the truth about me

I mentioned shame multiple times because that was how I felt. But the reality I have learnt is that shame is an attack from the enemy. I was once told that "Guilt feels bad for what you’ve done, but shame feels bad about who you have become." But who we are doesn't change in the middle of our shortcomings because it doesn't change who God is or what he sees. God loved me the same the day I was born, those times I looked at porn, and today as I write this. My action, no matter how flawed, does not change his position. Conviction is healthy and can lead to change, shame is unhealthy and can lead to greater entrapment. If you feel shame, know that it is an attack, a lie. When I am hurting is when I most need to get on my knees and allow Him to love me.

2. Sometimes trying harder isn't enough

I'm an independent kind of guy - I can do it on my own. Trust me, I've tried. But when it came to this monstrosity, the seasons I tried to do it alone were the worst, most painful and most unproductive seasons of life. I've gone to all kinds of lengths to beat this on my own by just trying harder. The result? I magnified the issue and made it bigger and more established in my life. There's a reason God gave us people and hardwired us for relationships. Just trying harder isn't enough -don't go it alone, do the journey with others.

3. My desires are God given; my partnership is my choice

I have a desire to consume food. Whether I eat a wholesome meal or a big mac will define how I feel after. It is not the desire that is bad, it is what I choose to partner with that CAN be bad. We all have healthy natural desires - and often porn can be the unhealthy fulfilment of these desires.

For example - I have a deep-seated desire for intimacy. So when I am hit with a desire for relationship, porn is put before me as the temptation. The option is for me to partner in real, authentic relationships, or to partner with lust and choose porn.

4. In my strength today, win the battle tomorrow

I'm not superhuman. In the moment, I suck. So I have to win the battle before I get there. When temptation comes, what do I have set in place? Who am I calling? Where am I going? The Bible says to flee temptation, not to stand and escape it via teeth grinding and cold showers.

5. There's only room in my heart for one

When I choose porn, I am choosing to worship porn over my God. I am choosing my own satisfaction instead of that which only God can bring. There's only room for one. On the flip side of that, when I am truly worshiping my God, I am choosing my God over porn. There's only room for one.

6. Lust is a cheap imitation

Like all sin, lust is just a cheap imitation of what God created. As such, life in sin and in lust is a dull, empty version of what life can be. Porn is the easy and fake version of relationships that removes both the risk and the real reward. It affects you, it affects those you pursue a relationship with in the future, and it creates unrealistic and unfulfilled expectations of intimacy. Don't settle for an imitation.

I've fought too many battles, cried too many tears, and experienced too much pain to go back

This battle is a hard one. It doesn't get easier. But if I give up, I just have to start all over again.

If this hit home for you - know this. God loves you, and He sees who you are and who you can be. Your never beyond the reach of His freedom, so never give up. Find people to support you, reach out and allow other to stand by you. It won't be easy, it requires hard decisions and tough conversations. This is not one hard won fight that then goes away, it is a lifelong journey of purity. And while the journey may be hard, the joys that come from walking it are worth every tear and every bit of pain.

I've said this before, but if you find yourself in a place of wanting to reach out yet not knowing where to turn, contact this page. I love people - and I don't judge. I've been there, I've done that, and I understand.