Cute smiles, sassy quips, nice cars, finished degrees - I look around me and I see capable, put together people. I see people who I would want to hang out with, who I would want to date, and who I want to be like. But when I look at myself, I see mess, insecurity, issues, and confusion. I look at myself with the expectation of perfection and I am met with dissapointment every time. Am I broken? God doesn't make mistakes, but I feel so inadequate that there must be something wrong with me. Do you ever feel like this? Over and over these thoughts spin through my mind and I can't seem to get them to stop. People prophecy over me that God has big things for me and that I am capable of far more than I can imagine - and I hope with everything in me that its true because often I can hardly imagine myself achieving anything.
People say not to compare yourself to others - but how can I not? All around me I see people, and I am so aware of what they are. But am I aware of what they are not? I know all too well how easy it is to put on a mask and pretend to be the person I want to be. And if I try hard enough then all but those closest to me will see what I want them to. Am I so nieve and proud to think that I am the only person who does this? I see cute smiles, sassy quips, finished degrees. I see capable put together people. But I don't see their anxiety, their battles with self image, their addictions, their family life, their brokeness. I only see what they portray.
But how can I know? How can I stop comparing, how can I believe that I'm not alone? Do I want others to be broken to make me feel better about myself? Does it matter? I feel overwhelmed. But I know that while feelings are valid, they aren't always true. Am I allowing myself to be carried away by feelings? How I feel changes, how others act changes, life situations change. The only safe, secure and steadfast thing I can rely on is God and what He says. When I am at my lowest, I find it so hard to bring myself vulnerably before God, but I know that I must. Father God, please help me. I don't know where to go, I don't know what to feel, and I don't know how to get out of this pit in my mind. But I know that you love me, I know that you saw enough value in me to die for me, and I know that you are not done in this story. I don't have fancy words, but I have a desperate need for you. Please meet me here, and please help me to win this battle in my mind.
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