I hope to live a life like yours

Death is a real and painful experience that we face. Some people face it at a young age, their lives upheaved in a mess of trauma and pain. Others, like me, are largely unaffected by it until adulthood. Up until a few years ago, the only death I remember crying for was the tragic passing of Steve Irwin. The day dad came home with this news hit me and my siblings hard. Why? Honestly, I couldn’t tell you - but we cried …a lot. I find that both humorous and fascinating to look back on now - we were so devastated by this loss of life, despite its limited impact on our life and family. But over the last few years, this has changed. Death has been a sad and semi frequent experience for my family. Some sad yet long expected. Some sudden and traumatic. Tears have been plenty. 

The latest - a cancer diagnosis that, short of a miracle, means I’ve said goodbye to yet another loved one. This has been different because though it was unexpected, but this time I have had the time to think, to grieve, to visit and say goodbye. And in this process, I have been thinking. Nana - as I visited, shared stories, memories and said goodbye; as I cried tears of sorrow, joy, grief, and everything in between - I had this realisation. I hope to live a life like yours. 

When I remember the parts where our lives have intersected I cannot remember a time where:

You gave your spouse the cold shoulder in anger or frustration

You lost faith or trust in God for the season you were in

You failed to teach a life lesson amidst the mess

You did not choose joy and thankfulness for the day

You put yourself and your needs above my own

I know that you are fully human - no saint and not perfect. Yet when I reflect on our time, my sadness and grief is distinctly marked by joy and …inspiration. I don’t know if you’ll be there the day I get married. It seems impossible that you’ll be there if I ever have children. There will be many moments where your physical presence will be missed. But you have impacted my life and who I am in ways I cannot describe. 

Thank you for your love. Thank you for your sacrifice. Thank you for your obedience to God. Thank you for every moment you modelled to me how to live a life. And so I hope to live a life like this. A life where my impact will long outlive my breath. A life where Gods hand is evident through my successes and my failures. A life where one day people talk about me and say ‘I hope to live a life like his’