I love experiencing the presence of God. I don't know if you have had the blessing and wonder of experiencing this, but there just this complete restful peace, all the worries of the world become insignificant. And it is in this presence that God often speaks to me, teaches me.
A few weeks ago my church held an encounter night - a night with the purpose of seeking an encounter with God, to experience His presence. I have been to many such nights and I love them! I make room for myself, I sing and I pray, and I experience that beautiful presence. And I needed that, because through the course of 2020 I began going through the motions, I would read my Bible and pray and show up to church, but I lost a certain desperation and hunger for God. I stopped truly seeking Him, and as I stopped seeking Him, I stopped experiencing Him. *extra note on this at the end*
And so I arrived at this encounter night knowing I needed God, needing a word from Him, needed something to change, needed an experience of Him. I went to the back, away from the crowd, I sat against the wall. We weren't supposed to sing, but I had my mask on and no one was near me, and I fully intended to sing. And as the first song started, as I opened my mouth to sing - God spoke.
"Stop”
I stopped, unsure what He meant.
"Don't sing, just sit there"
And so I sat there, uncomfortable, and a little confused. The atmosphere was building, the worship leader encouraged us to raise our hands and so I began to.
"Stop. Don't sing, don't raise your hands, just sit there. Embrace the discomfort you feel and allow me space to move."
My arms went down, and I sat against the wall. Doing nothing, just waiting for whatever it was that God wanted. I didn't pray, I didn't move, I just sat as still as possible, listening for what He would say next.
5 minutes passed. Nothing
10 minutes passed. Nothing
20 minutes passed. Nothing
Yet still I waited, and I could sense God doing something. Finally He spoke:
"You came prepared with your formula for an encounter. In the past A+B = C, and so you are trying to replicate this formula. But to do that makes this all about what you can do. You spent all of last year feeling more and more distant, and trying harder and harder to come back closer. YOU tried. YOU pushed harder. YOU were determined. But that’s not how this works. Be still, and allow me to work."
And so I sat there, suddenly overwhelmed by a feeling of His presence. And as He spoke to me, as he worked on healing the cuts and bruises I was accumulating in my heart, I suddenly saw a picture.
I saw a young man clinging to the side of a mountain cliff. No harness, no rope, just trying his best to muscles his way up the mountain. Around him a storm was building, clouds above him and clouds bellow him. And suddenly with my eyes closed, it was as if I was there. I could hear the thunder, feel the spray of mist and rain on my face, feel my muscles burning from the strain. I could sense the hopelessness of the situation, but also the sheer determination in the face of it. And then God spoke again.
"Here you are, trying so hard to reach the height of the mountain. But who told you to climb this mountain? You are trying with all you have to become a better person, closer to me, a stronger leader, a wiser man. But you are wasting your energy trying to do it alone. Just let go, fall into me, and allow me to do things my way."
I knew straight away that I had to let go, and in this moment it literally felt as if I was there, and had to let myself fall from a cliff, into the clouds, beyond what I could see. I felt I had to, but I was terrified to do so. Terrified of the fall, terrified that I could be wrong - terrified to lose control.
And so sitting in the back of the church, in a moment with God, I began to have a panic attack. I sat there sobbing, hyperventilating, and wrestling with this moment. And the whole time I still felt as if I was on the side of the mountain. I don't know how long I was in this state, I don't know how long I cried or how long I fought. But I finally came to a point of obedience, of surrender, of letting go, of trusting God, of pushing through the fear and allowing myself to lose control, to fall.
As I let go with my hands, I felt my terror reach new heights, but only for a moment. Then there was a peace, a confidence that I had made the right decision, that allowing God to take control and to dictate the direction of this journey was essential.
And then as I fell there was one more thing God wanted to show me. As I looked back up to the mountain, I saw that I was not the only climber, but in fact the mountain was covered in climbers - all at different heights, all striving to reach the top. All unaware that their pursuit was in their own strength, and that if they would just let go and allow God to move, He would take them where they needed to go.
And then the moment ended, I was back in church, I opened my eyes, and realised that the last song was finishing. I didn't know what to do next, I felt exhausted from the emotions I had just experienced - but there was a deep sense of peace.
I came to an encounter night with a formula to encounter God. He took that formula, ripped it up and threw it out the window - and then came to encounter me in a way more powerful than I could have hoped for.
I write this down because I wonder if perhaps someone who reads this could be one of those climbers. Trapped on a mountain thinking that the only option was to keep trying harder, trying to be better. Yet God did not call us to try harder, but to be obedient to His call and to His voice. Perhaps God is calling you to let go, and to allow Him to direct you and to hold you.
*I have talked with so many people that want to hear God speak but never have. So many people who have never felt his presence. They believe in God, but they never experience Him. I don't have a magic formula, but one thing I have observed - not every person who desires to hear Gods voice or experience His presence has. However - no one I know who creates a theology or an expectation to NOT hear God, or to NOT experience God, does hear or experience God. If you do not seek, you are incredibly unlikely to find.
I believe that we are children of God, and God is a good father. A good father desires to speak to His children, to love them, and to be loved by them. He desires your whole heart, your full attention. He wants you not just to be loved by Him, but to allow Him to love you. Keep seeking Him, keep creating space. Without this personal aspect of Christianity, it loses its greatest truth. You weren’t saved FROM something but FOR something. The greatest purpose of salvation was not to save you FROM hell, but to save you FOR relationship with God almighty.
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