So the other day I was going through old files on my computer - backups from old computers that I hadn't looked at in ages. As I was going through I found a folder with old pieces I had written about 3 years back when I first started dreaming of a blog. Over the coming days and weeks I am going to be posting minimaly edited (I don't agree with everything I wrote back then, and honestly some of it made me cringe) pieces on this blog, each with the subheading 'Dare to dream series'. Enjoy a bit of a glimpse into eighteen year old Josh.
Here I am again. Sitting on my bedroom floor, struggling with shame, worthlessness and disgust – again. I don’t want to keep going. I don’t have the energy. And besides, every time I turn back to God, I just screw up again. How many times do I need to hurt him?
I’m not good enough. I am filthy, I am weak, and I am not worthy. NOT WORTHY. And I know in my head that Jesus still loves me, that because I am unworthy He died on a cross for me and that the price is already paid. I know all of this in my head. But how many times will he forgive me before He becomes upset with me? How many times before He turns His back on me? How long before He gives up on me? I’m a hopeless case anyway.
I ‘know’ that you love me no matter what, that you will never leave me nor forsake me, that you’ve loved people who were ‘worse’ than I am, that you would have still gone to the cross if it was only for me. But me? I grew up in the church, I’ve experienced your goodness, I know your peace, and still I turned from you. Doesn’t that change things? What makes you think I will ever be different?
These are some of the thoughts I am struggling with right now. I have plenty of head knowledge of God, but when you’re in a pit feeling like this, head knowledge is about as helpful as a pair of running shoes if you’re overweight. The shoes alone won’t cause you to lose weight; you need to use them in your daily life before they start making a difference. My head knowledge, if I can’t apply it, won’t do a thing for me when I am attacked.
I feel broken and messed up, I feel dark and corrupt, I know my thoughts, and I know how unlovable I truly am. I know this stuff. I KNOW WHO I AM. I KNOW THAT I AM UNLVOVABLE. But a small part of me still hangs on to a desperate hope that maybe I’m not. This God I believe in is all powerful, He created the world, He heals the brokenhearted, He lets the blind see and deaf hear and the mute speak, He has called alcoholics and drug addicts and porn stars and pimps and murderers and cowards and the worst of the worst into His arms and given the life, hope and a mission. So why not me? Maybe if He can love them, He can love me. I see how dark I am, but surely they were worse? And I know that’s judgmental to think, and politically incorrect to say, but its true. So if God can call them back, why not me? If He’s willing to give them another shot, maybe He’ll give me one too.
So here I sit – Broken, corrupt, daring to dream. Have you ever done that? Dared to dream? Dared to dream that there is a hope that overcomes the darkness, which shines in the dark oppression that is life? Dared to dream that you could actually amount to something? Dared to dream that you could actually have significance? Well I am. I’m choosing to believe that He will forgive me, that I am not powerful enough to defeat His love.
The Bible says that His mercies are new every morning. That means that no matter how much I screw up today, He will still love me tomorrow. And no matter how bad I am, He can and will still use me. All I have to do is humble myself before Him, accept and acknowledge that I am unworthy, and accept His love and forgiveness. Is it easy? Heck no. Does a part of me sometimes wonder if what I am following is a lie, that I just need something to believe in? Yes. But that’s why it’s called faith, confidence in what we hope for. So I choose to believe that He has a plan for me, I dare to dream.
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