I wrote this last year in the middle of lockdown, and I felt that it was a good time to post it
This season has been hard, its been long, and I'm kind of over it all. I think we can all relate to that. Last night I broke down crying on my floor for almost 30 minutes. Crying - and surrendering. Surrendering all the emotions, the fears and the pains to God.
"God I'm terrified! I'm terrified of not being enough!"
I like to think that I keep it together pretty well. I lead across multiple ministries at church, I find uni relatively easy (probably because its first year), and rarely turn down a social event. I love creating mischief and I love a good feed. But bubbling just beneath the surface these last few months has been a pit of unnamed and unknown emotions. Not just unnamed or unknown to the world: Unknown to me.
I haven't been feeling right - but I haven't known why. Then last night, something changed. Something shifted in my mind and in my heart and I began to pour it all out as I cried, pacing my bedroom floor.
"God, I'm terrified that I'm not financially secure enough. I'm terrified of relationships after last year. I'm terrified because I don't know how to measure where I am - it's all different. I'm terrified that I'm in uncharted waters without any of my usual safety lines. And I'm terrified of admitting to people that I'm struggling again."
As I continued to pour it all out, a weight lifted from my shoulders. I still felt... wrong. I had to focus on God to push back a panic attack coming from all the stress and emotion being released. I still felt (and feel) distant, broken and confused. But something shifted last night, and I'm excited. I'm excited for what is coming. I'm excited at the situation of having nothing to hold up this relationship besides God himself. There is no fancy church service, no emotional crutches. It's just me and God.
Can I encourage you with a few things I've been reminded of over the last few days?
1. God is waiting beyond the noise
What sets Christianity apart as different from other religions I could follow is (apart from being true) that my God is relational. He wants to know me. He enjoys spending time with me. During this crazy year there has been so much noise, so many voices. Technology feels impossible to get away from, my mind has been racing, and I'm rarely relaxed and fully at peace. But beyond all that noise, God is waiting for us to meet Him. It might take an earlier morning, a more intentional routine, or pushing ourselves deeper than past experience - but God is waiting there to meet with you and with me.
2. Different isn't bad
I don't like changing key routines, and I have built so much of my life around Sunday church services. But I love God more than I love a Sunday service. This year has been different than anything I've ever experienced - but that’s not a bad thing. In fact, I think that breaking away from routine is exactly what many of us needed to go deeper with God. If my relationship with God is serious, then it will extend beyond the confines of my past and continue to deepen no matter the context.
3. It's ok to find things HARD!
And more than that - you're not alone! Most of the Christian church (at least western) is struggling. What we know is shifting, we stand unsure on the ground that we have trusted. It's ok to find this hard! Just don't give in. We weren't made to do it alone - so do this in relationship! Get solid people around you who can pick you back up when you fall over, keep and be kept accountable in key habits by those you trust, and don't be afraid to admit to others that its hard.
4. Your life isn't out of control - it just might be out of your control
No life circumstance can knock God off His throne. Just because you feel like the world has spun out of control doesn't mean that God's lost control. Pause, take a breath, and take comfort that the one who holds all of this in his palm can work it for your good. Might not feel like a luxury holiday, but it will be good!
So, remember that you're not alone, and keep pursuing! Keep chasing God and digging in deeper into His love. I don't have the words to express how incredible it is!
Comments