Writing is one of my favourite things to do. It is a space and time where I can put all my thoughts down on paper. There's no pressure - I write for a blog, but I don't post nearly half of what I write. And often I have no idea what’s going to come out - I just start typing and let my mind out. My best pieces normally come in emotionally charged situations, often involving coffee and late nights. But lately I haven't felt like writing much. I haven't wanted to be real, because I know that while my best pieces are real, the real me isn't one I want to share at the moment. Because, well, I thought I had gotten better, moved beyond this point - and for some reason I feel ashamed to admit that I still struggle. And when I started writing a blog, I never thought that the majority of my pieces would be me sharing my struggles.
I thought I was at a more consistent place in my relationship with God - but my Bible has sat open yet unread on my floor for days.
I thought I was more mature and made good life choices - but the multiple nights spent playing video games into the early hours of the morning lately suggest otherwise.
I thought that I was in a good place - but something feels off, empty - and I can't place why.
So, I'm turning to my computer to write something new. To let out the thoughts that are buried deep down somewhere in my subconscious.
I want to be good enough - deep down a driving force in my life for such a long time has been my need to be enough, my need to measure up and meet (and exceed) others’ expectations. I'm only 21, but my capacity is impressive (at least I think so). I have the capability of doing so much. But I don't. I'm so over being busy. I've had enough of being responsible and getting everything done - but I'm so used to it that life feels empty without the accomplishments and the encouragements.
I'm an over achiever who spent the last 8 years of his life doing more than was expected to medicate a deep pain and need for approval and acceptance. I grew past the pain, finding who I was and new confidence to live life for just me and God, but the business and the achievements stayed. It was no longer really about what I needed so much as what I wanted - the achievements and the success was like a drug. I could do anything, fix any problem, be there for anyone - and it left me on a high.
But then came 2020. My pastor spoke to the church at the beginning of the year and shared a word from God for the year - unusual. So far, that has been my experience to a T. My schedule evaporated overnight, I couldn't go and help others, I had no achievements to receive my highs from.
No one's had an easy year - but I wasn't expecting to struggle with the things I am. I thought this would give me a chance to read more, spend time with God more, be more present and alive now that the business is gone. But instead, I feel empty, I feel like I'm not achieving anything, and I feel over it. Why am I like this? Why can't I just enjoy daily life? The times I enjoy life are when I surrender it to God and stop trying so hard, but I just can't seem to stay in that place. I have a deep-seated desire to achieve greatness. I want to change the world, one life at a time. I want to grow my capacity and my ability. I want to become financially equipped. I want to learn to preach, to teach, to study the Bible. I want to know theology and psychology, business, and computers - but I can only study one at time.
I don't want to waste my life - I don't want to just go through the motions of life.
Have you ever felt that? Caught up in the rush of life, in the business of achievement and desire to be better? But becoming so busy that you never actually have time to enjoy the things you’re working for?
I don't want to live the normal adult’s dream: a nice house, a nice car, a nice family - unless there is a spark of passion. I am emotionally driven. My personality says that if it’s not fun, why are we doing it? LIFE WITH GOD IS AMAZING! But I frequently wander off. I don't understand me.
GOD, I NEED YOU! I feel empty right now papa. I don't feel enough but I thought I was past this. Just yesterday I was telling someone how those days are behind me. Was I lying? I don't want to be weak, but I want to be vulnerable with you. I want to be real with you, but being real means admitting that I'm still messed up. Is it always going to be this way? Am I always going to struggle this much? Am I always going to be broken in some way just so that I must rely on you?
I don't even know when I wrote this, but as I read through it again today, I could relate so much - I hope it helps someone somehow. Because I don't have it all figured out, but maybe that's not the point.
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