"God...I don't know what to say, I don't even know how to pray for this, I don't know what to ask, I don't know what to offer God..."
Pauses, silence, broken prayers.
Have you ever been here? You are so weary, so tired of hurting, not knowing what else to do, you do the thing you should have done first. Pray. You go to a spot where you know you'll be alone, or you go to a worship service where you know you'll encounter God. The time your soul's been longing for comes. You get on your knees, try to still your heart, and...
"God..."
Quiet. For the next several moments you listen to what's around you. You listen to your breathing, your heartbeat.
"I know you hear me, God. I know you're here."
More silence as you struggle to express the things in your heart that you don't want to describe with words. What words? you do not know, cannot even understand the depth of this heartbreaking emotion you are feeling. It's drowning, it's bigger than you, it's overwhelming.
" Lord I'm hurting. I feel so afraid, so alone. Give me strength."
Over. And over. And over again.
So lately, I've been silent. Word's aren't spilling out of my mouth all at once.
"Right now, I'm broken God, this situation, these memories have left me with a wound only you can heal. I'm trying to see that you work all thing's out for good to them that love you. I know you will make me stronger through this trial. But oh, how it hurts!"
I may only pray for a couple of minutes. But I sit in silence for many more than that.
I want him to know that when I stand and go my way, I have left it all in his hands.
I gather all the hurt, all the fears, doubts, and insecurities in a little package and leave it there before him.
Most days I find myself going back and picking up a few things back up, but every day, I will gather all of it again, lay it down, beg for healing and leave it in God's hands.
As I write this a really old hymn comes to my head
"If your body suffers pain and your health you can't regain,
And your soul is slowly sinking in despair,
Jesus knows the pain you feel, He can save and He can heal;
Take your burden to the Lord, leave it there."
Leave it there Charles Albert Tinley (1906)
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