My thoughts race, my mind races, my body is restless, I feel on edge, I just can't settle. - something isn't right and I need to slow down and rest. But to do that means facing my thoughts; or I can just keep going - if I can just keep myself busy enough then I don't have to face it. Because the storm inside... it scares me.
This storm isn't new - It's been there since I was just a young boy - a seemingly overwhelming force that starts to brew whenever I lose control. It starts to darken my mind, bringing with it thoughts of accusation, anxiety and restlessness. And by losing control ...I mean many things. It could be triggered by anything - it isn't consistent, it isn’t always predictable, and it's rarely rational. Just as the triggers are unpredictable so are the results. Sitting in a ditch when I was nine, two km’s from my house, sobbing. Sitting on my bedroom floor when I was seventeen, ignoring the knocks at the door from friends who worry that I haven't come out since I barricaded the door the day before, writing 'The knife is right there. How bad will it hurt? Will it distract him? What are the consequences?' Lying on the floor in a dark room at church when I was twenty - hyperventilating and writhing around the floor. I learnt early that if I can be in control of my body then I am ok - when I am in control the storm can't take over. But when I lose control - I become afraid.
There are many ways to take control when a person feels they are losing it. Me? I bury myself deep in a project to find success - finishing weeks of math at a time in school, or training to make a premier league soccer team. Or I find someone who is hurting more than me and help them find control and clarity. Or I stop eating. Or I drive as fast as I can. Or I turn the music up as loud as I can. Or maybe I do all of the above. I run away as fast as I can from any circumstance that I am losing control of because I am scared of what could happen when I have fully lost control.
The problem is I'm not a boy anymore - and I can't just run. This year just gone I had to face something that was so far out of my control I wanted to move cities just to get away - to be safe. But my pastor called me out - he called out my tendency to run and challenged me to stay. And I chose to accept his challenge. It wasn't easy, and I didn't enjoy it. I was out of control, vulnerable, weak - yet staying in that place. It scared me, it hurt me - but it also grew me. I lost control more times than I can count over just a few months - spending hours in the pews at church crying, praying, yelling at God, ignoring the people around me and what they might think - but I stayed there and found comfort in God. In my room crying myself to sleep - but I stayed there and found comfort in God. I found that if I can stay, be vulnerable with God, and surrender my control to Him, He is always there to comfort me. And as time went, I began to feel safe again, to feel ok. God didn't let me down (He never has.)
But now - the feeling is coming back. This time it was triggered by a lifelike dream - and it stirred something in me that I just can't seem to stop from growing. It's been growing bigger and darker - but I can't run - I must be strong. I must be a man and stand strong; I must let the storm come. But I'm scared. I can feel the darkness in my mind, and I've tried to keep myself busy. I've tried to hide in things that make me feel sick, I've tried to distract myself, I've tried to avoid it. I know that if I cry out to God I can find comfort in Him - but I also know that to do that will involve facing the storm. And I don't want to - Because I don't think my heart can manage - I don't trust it can hold up in this storm. I know the God who can bring me the answer, who can (and will) comfort me. I know I can go to Him. But I won't. I know I need to surrender control of this to God and allow Him to comfort me, but I am too scared. 04/02/20
13/02/20 This is a journey - it's not a one-time fix. I spent a week trying to recover from this feeling, only to fall even farther back into it. I stand up and lead youth students, kids, and leaders with authority, hope and a smile - but I feel SO FAKE in the process!!! I genuinely believe and live the life I speak of - I am just careful to turn my 'good side' toward every encounter. I don't share this scared, hurting side of me; I protect it because I don't want to feel like a needy friend. For the first time in my life I have a whole group of real friends who care about me - and I don't want to ruin that. I feel like I am IMPLODING, sinking further and further into these dark thoughts. I am losing motivation, the will to fight, the hope that one day I can stand victorious. I'M SCARED! I'M HURTING! I'M BROKEN! I'M MESSED UP! I CARRY CRAP AROUND WITH ME! AND I DON'T KNOW IF THIS WILL EVER END! But through all of this, I WON'T GIVE UP!!!
I'm not in a good place - I want to run, and I don't know what I'll do tonight, let alone tomorrow. And I'm not naive enough to think that no one else goes through times like this. I'm sure you've had days where you haven't wanted to leave your bed, or you've bailed on a friend because you’re a mess. Maybe you've also curled up in a ball having some sort of anxiety or panic attack, maybe you've buried yourself in work or study to escape the WAKING HELL that life feels to be. Maybe you've controlled what you eat, or inflicted pain on your body, or subjected your body to a strict physical program that you can push yourself into, hidden, run away, put on a fake smile, a fake laugh - ANYTHING to try and escape how you feel, or at the very least hide the reality.
I've done all of these in some way - But I know that God is always there. I don't always FEEL Him, but I KNOW that He is there. Sometimes I become so buried in a cloud of darkness that I lose sight and touch of reality - including God. But - THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE'S NOT THERE! I know He loves me and when I come before Him, He'll be there. So I should get down on my floor, turn off the music, and begin to talk to Him. Whether I will though - I don't know. I know God doesn't see me this way - but I feel ashamed and unworthy. I need to come before God to stop this spiralling, but I want to regain control first. Whatever I do - I must hold onto the hope ...Maybe it gets better tomorrow.
09/03/20 I thought I was finished, but I couldn’t leave it there. Because leaving it there was to leave myself in a place of defeat, depression and hopelessness - but I don't want to leave the wrong impression. The true picture is that my battle is with darkness and defeat, but my life is lived in hope and joy. Sometimes it seems impossible to me - there are days where I feel like the darkness has won and I should simply give up - who am I to think that I can overcome it. But those thoughts remove the reality of the biggest game-changer and reality shifter: God. I know you might not believe He is real - but I know that He is.
How? Well, that nine-year-old boy sitting in a ditch became a thirteen-year-old boy afflicted with depression and suicidal thoughts. I came to a place that my reality was one of hurting so deeply I found ways to numb the pain yet kept up a facade to those around me that I was doing fine - my face said I was happy and had it all together - my heart said I couldn't take it anymore. That thirteen-year-old boy lost hope and could no longer see a future - until I heard three words. Standing in a room at a youth camp I closed my eyes and God spoke to me - 'I love you'. And that thirteen-year-old boy cried for the first time in two years - and those suicidal thoughts that had plagued me for around four years were broken overnight.
That seventeen-year-old boy hiding in his room, holding onto a knife and the shame of never being enough - outside that door, God placed a group of people who loved me unconditionally. I hid while they did my work - and they cooked me pancakes. When I finally came out they simply showered me in love and acceptance.
That twenty-year-old man hyperventilating on the floor was able to call a friend and get help, take the weekend off, and go and sit with God at a campsite and listen, rest and be restored by his loving Father God. And on top of that - each of these three occasions were at the same campsite - a campsite where my life was changed after a friend’s mum randomly offered to pay for me to attend camp. Some might deny the voice, call it all coincidence, decide I am looking in shadows for hope to keep me going. But the thing is - those are just three snapshots from my life. They don't do justice to the emotion, the impact, the timing of interruptions and conversations - they are a dim reflection of the impossible difference that God has made. Time and time again I have heard His voice, felt His hand, been touched by His people - and I am left with no doubts of either His existence or His love for me. Yes, that's right - no doubt at all.
Maybe it gets better tomorrow... maybe it doesn't. But it will get better. There will be hard days, there will be easy days, there will be joy-filled days and sorrow-filled days. Sometimes you will feel on top of the world and sometimes it will feel like the world is on top of you. But please know, PLEASE know this - IT DOES GET BETTER!!! How can I be sure? BECAUSE THERE IS A GOD WHO LOVES YOU MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER KNOW! Sometimes we just don't see his hand beckoning for our heart amidst all the chaos and pain.
I admire your courage in saying this openly. I tend to keep the dark parts of myself hidden away. I haven';t struggled with the same things as you, but there's stuff in my head I wish wasn't there. Stuff to distract myself from loneliness at times. I hide from that stuff by compulsively reading. I know what it's like to know God is here, but not really feel him. Faith is hard at times. Faith in my head at least. I struggle with distraction more than doubt.
Why am I saying this here? Maybe because it's easy to say things to people who aren't close and I need to let it out somewhere. Maybe it's because I haven't slept enough. Life…