God - why is it like this?
Why am I trapped in a circular system, unsure how to get better, be better, or stay better?
How did you pay a price so high to leave me so low?
How did I come to a place of complete ...apathy
Why am I here in this place now?
Why am I still here?
You God, you made the mountains that make my heart come alive
You God, you crafted the waterfalls that cause adventure to churn within me
You God, you made these people who I do life with, who love me for me
You God, you created this life I live and everything in it
When I think about it all, all that you've done for me, I have no words
When I think back to that child I once was, scared and confused
To now look at who I have become
When I think back to the suicidal thoughts that plagued me
To now live life with freedom and joy
When I think back to the agony of hating myself
To now know that I am loved and made worthy by you
When I think back to the nights spent crying myself to sleep
To now knowing that I can rest in the peace of your presence
When I think back to younger Josh and all that he faced
To now be able to see all that you have brought me through
When I think back to the past and consider the journey you have brought me on
No words describe the unwarranted love you have given to me
I do not have the words or the eloquence to give you the praise that you deserve
I do not have the time nor the ability to pour out my whole heart towards you
With everything that I am, I will fight to be with you
With everything that I do, I desire to bring you glory and honour and praise
Yet through all of this - why do I still stumble?
Why do I live a life trapped by things that I neither enjoy nor desire?
Why do I so predictably fail you time and time again?
Why am I still living trapped by the same old lies?
Why, when I wake up, does my phone win the battle for my attention?
Why, through the day, are my actions driven more by money than by love?
Why, at night, are my last thoughts of my failures within the day and the need I have for improvement
Rather than of the overwhelming love and grace that you pour out on me despite my flaws?
How, knowing what I know, can I choose what I choose?
How can I spend hours learning music, writing, upskilling and earning money
Yet fail to make even fifteen minutes to sit and be with the one who I need most?
How can I have the discipline to run, eat healthily, and budget
Yet not muster the discipline to do what I most desperately need - lay it all at your feet?
How can I look at the giants that stand in my path before me
Yet not fall to my knees in prayer and surrender?
You God, you are who I love
You God, you are who I need
You God, you are who has never failed me
You God, to you I give my all
Yet here I am, on the edge of defeat
Lacking the strength to continue this fight tonight
I know that tomorrow is a new day
But I also know that so was today
If I failed then, what can I change to find success?
My God, I need you
My God, I need you
MY GOD, I NEED YOU
MY GOD, I NEED YOU NOW MORE THAN EVER BEFORE
And not because I am suicidal
Not because my heart has been broken
Not because I have nowhere else to turn
Not only because I feel inadequate
But because I know that whether I am filled with joy or with sorrow
I need you more now than ever before
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