So the other day I was going through old files on my computer - backups from old computers that I hadn't looked at in ages. As I was going through I found a folder with old pieces I had written about 3 years back when I first started dreaming of a blog. Over the coming days and weeks I am going to be posting minimaly edited (I don't agree with everything I wrote back then, and honestly some of it made me cringe) pieces on this blog, each with the subheading 'Dare to dream series'. Enjoy a bit of a glimpse into eighteen year old Josh.
Sometimes I feel like a fake – I talk a talk, and when people are hurting I tell them Christian truths that apply to their life that will help them – but often I struggle to actually accept these truths in my heart. One of these is the idea that no matter what I do, God loves me the same.
I know that theologically, my actions cannot change Gods love, that through Christ my sins are paid for, and that through His blood I share in the righteousness of God. I know that who I am is dependant upon Him and His sacrifice. But when I sin, when I fall to temptation, I feel so much shame and I struggle to come before Him again. Theologically it is as simple a matter as to come before Him, ask for His forgiveness and continue in my walk with Him. It is not without consequence as it will slow my growth in my relationship with Him, but I feel so heavy. I can tell theologically all of these things, but I struggle to believe them in my heart.
But I realized something recently – if I were the enemy, and I wanted to try and remove a soldier from the battle (me), wouldn’t it make sense for him to play on my weaknesses. Tempt me with sin, and if I fall, lay on me so much shame and condemnation about how I’ve failed, how I’ve let God down, that I’m a failure, that I will never be any better than this – and that soldier (me) just eats it up. I end up so caught up in how badly I’ve failed and trying to figure out how to make up for it, that I don’t even notice that I’ve accepted a lie. My value is not based on my actions, and my righteousness is not my own. My value was decided the moment Christ died on the cross for me, and my righteousness was decided when I accepted the gift that Christ offered. I may fall sometimes, but I am a saint. I need to live my life with the knowledge that I am a son of God, I am righteous, I am valuable, and nothing I do will change any of that. Rather than battling temptation with “I don’t want to” I need to fight with “This is not who I am, because of whose I am”.
The enemy has spent years building strongholds in my mind, convincing me of realities that are not true, and it is taking time to weed out these beliefs. But if this process takes time, it will not prevent God from working in me to remove the lies. I am a son of God who loves Him, I spend my time pursuing Him, and I have given my life to doing His work. And sure, I still have stuff to learn. But if I were a father, and my son loved me, tried His best to please me, and wanted to spend time with me – yet occasionally made mistakes, or messed up – I would not love that son any less. In fact, I would probably love him more.
If, however, that son became distraught when he messed up, to the point that he avoided me for days at a time – I would become distraught myself. I would hurt for him, and if he was not coming back, I would go in search of Him. That is something that I had never considered until just now. God my father wants the best for me, and He loves me. If I fall into temptation, if I am caught in a lie, if I have been disobedient, if I have run ahead of him without seeking his advice – He simply desires that I come back and appear before Him and talk it through with Him. He wants me to learn, to grow, and to become better and stronger – but His methods are anything but anger or disappointment.
I don’t need to give Him time to calm down. He is human - He will not yell at me, or give out rash consequences if He sees me too soon after the incident. His anger and disappointment will not be lessened by me acting overly sorry and punishing myself. I’ve never seen this correlation before, but I have allowed my struggles with humans on earth to taint my relationship with my heavenly father. But now that I am aware of this, I need to refute these things; I need to be cautious that I do not base my understanding of God on my understanding of the imperfect poeple I interact with. God the father is not human, and God I’m sorry for treating you in such a way.
This piece was an awesome read Gazza.