Routine vs Relationship

Firstly - this is very much a musing, a thought. There's actually a comment section at the bottom of this, and I'd love to hear your thoughts on the topic.

But here's the thought I've been working through recently - routine doesn't equal relationship. Just because I get up every morning to read my Bible doesn't mean God and I are close. Just because I miss a few days (or a week) in my Bible doesn't mean that we're drifting apart.

Buuuut - It's a thought I don't fully understand, because here's the thing: When I have a routine, my God time is consistent, and my relationship feels like it grows. Every strong Christian I know will in some way relate growth in Christian relationship to time reading the Bible. When I have a routine though, I begin to 'go through the motions' and it becomes a thing I do rather than what I intend it to be - a 'date' with my God.

So it becomes easy for me to say that I don't make a time with God because I don't want our relationship to be purely habit - I don't see habit as the key to a deep relationship. But in reality, when I don't have a habit or a time set aside to spend with Him, it rarely happens. There's always something else to do.

So I am caught in this tension, and often my Bible sits open yet untouched. I honestly want to centre my life around my God. If you haven't read my other pieces - I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't live for God because it makes sense, because someone told me to, or because I think life makes more sense with a higher power in charge (though, there is an argument to be made that it does...) - I do it because I've experienced life without walking with God daily and I never want to do that again.

Yet sometimes, sometimes I don't actually FEEL like spending time with God. Sorry, that’s a little misleading. I OFTEN don't feel like spending time with God. yes I know, shock horror - I'm a leader in church, I'm an intern, I've spoken in front of people and teach people the Bible frequently. But I don't often feel like just being quiet and being with God. But the more often I do it, the more often I just stop, let myself be still and be with Him - the more I enjoy it and the more I WANT it. The more time I spend, the more I DESIRE to spend time with God.

So I'm at a crossroads. I don't want my relationship to be built on habit and routine because it becomes dry and forced, but without a habit and routine my relationship becomes dry and empty. Currently I sway backwards and forwards, but I feel like I never actually land and stay in the sweet spot.

But I've had to admit to myself that routine isn't relationship. Just reading my Bible doesn't make me close to Him, and missing a morning, or a week, doesn't mean our relationship stops. It just means that I'm missing out. Beyond that, I'll keep wrestling with the tension.