I strive, I try harder, I stay up late and I give it everything that I have - all in the name of perfection. If I can't do a good job, I often never start in the first place.
And I know this is silly, I know in my head that we are not required to be perfect. I know that God does not expect it, that my family does not expect it, my friends do not expect it. Heck, even my work doesn't expect it! Yet I find myself day-in and day-out fighting the need to reach perfection. I haven't posted here for 4 months, and to be honest, it's because I haven't felt good enough. I feel as if I have had this blog too long and shared too much of my life to keep going. That I've shared some of my struggles, and so to keep sharing just shows my flaws in a new light. In my experience with people, you can show flaws initially and they will treat you as bold and courageous for sharing. But if you continue to share, you become a burden, and they give up hope for you. 'You should have fixed yourself by now'. I do not know if this is truth or simply my fearful mind playing tricks, but to me it is true. And so, I felt as if I'd shared enough. I withdrew to the safety of insignificance and silence.
But that is not what I started sharing on here for - this was an outlet for me that I hoped would encourage and inspire others. It was never about perfection. It was never about the views or the comments or the affirmation. But with each post, with each 'success', I raised the bar of expectation in my mind until it was an insurmountable obstacle, an unachievable goal - and so 4 months have passed without me gathering the courage to post anything.
My fear of imperfection is far from being kept to only this blog or to publicly sharing my life. It comes out at work when I make a mistake - my stomach drops and I feel like crap for hours. It comes out at church when I am incapable of taking on another task or leave a serving team because I can't do it. It plays with my emotions when I receive a grade at uni less than an 85% HD. It whispers lies to me when I try and learn a new instrument but cannot compare to my musical housemates. If left unchecked it is a dark, forceful power that robs me of joy from the moment, and cripples me from action on the fear of imperfection.
And so I must fight, every day, to believe that I am not expected to be perfect. And the more I unpack it, the more deeply I find that this fear runs. As I follow this proverbial thread, I find it is tied to almost every part of my life and psych. I feel as if I am in a never-ending battle with myself and my past, and as I unravel the emotions and fears I am left feeling smaller and smaller in an ever-growing world.
But I am an emotional person, and I share through writing. So, here I am - imperfect, with perhaps little of value to share. But I will share it nonetheless. I am learning to acknowledge before I start that 'it won't be perfect'. This has become my catchphrase of sorts for myself - 'It won't be perfect'. And having acknowledged that, having given myself permision to aim for less than perfection, I begin.
Keep your eyes out for my upcoming post about vulnerability, I am not great at consistency, but I do want to share more often on here!
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