A few months ago I wrote this out. I wrote with tears in my eyes but hope in my heart for change. At the time I wasn't ready to share - but here's some more musings and thoughts from my life.
Have you ever hidden something from people because, well, if they only knew, they would see you ...differently? This is the story of my life - hiding parts of who I am and my story because I am scared of not being enough - scared of not measuring up. Tonight I let go of another small piece of that facade. 'I'm sorry for the late text' I started "I'm just worried that if I leave it till tomorrow I'll chicken out'. What it was I texted - I don't need to share here. But it was something I've carried with me since I was eight or nine - a shame that has reared its ugly head too many times and never wants to go away. A shame worsened by the negative reactions of those I first shared it with. A shame that has worsened and caused me to fight with myself over the image and value I place upon my life. But enough is enough - no shame, no embarrassment, no pride is worth holding onto something for - and so I wrote and sent one of the longest and hardest texts of my life. I want my life to be one of fulness! Full of joy, and life, love, freedom - I don't want to allow anything to hold me back.
When I was younger (thirteen) I had a life-altering, life-saving encounter with the love of God that started a journey of healing - a long, slow, seemingly neverending process. Time and time again God has called me to let something go. He's had me share things with strangers, with family, with friends, and with mentors. I've cried alone, on people's shoulders, on couches, and in pillows. But every time I share another piece, every time I lay a piece of my hurt out in front of me and allow others to help and allow God to heal - I come out the other side stronger. I come out the other side more confident. I come out the other side with a renewed sense of hope that God has a plan for me.
This journey hasn't been short or easy - sometimes these freeing journeys to get out the other side of healing require going through a few mountains and valleys first. I have memory's of standing on physical mountaintops and screaming 'God I take it back. You can't have this - I can' t handle this! It hurts too much - leave it alone'.
Sometimes pulling a nail out of your foot hurts so much that we ignore it to save ourselves the pain, choosing instead to walk on a nail our whole lives, wondering what's holding us back. But if we would only go through the initial pain, we could begin to see healing. If you're like me and you tend to isolate, to hide, deciding to deal with the nail, the shame, and the hurt all by yourself - You don't have to! There are people around you who care. There are people who you don't even know who would stop their day to help if you really reached out. There are good people. So I encourage you - as someone sitting here who has more pieces of hurt to more people than I can remember, who has come out the other side; someone who has just now shed another piece of the facade and will receive responses to his texts tomorrow - be bold.
We all have times where we just need a hand up. It doesn't make you weak - it makes you human. All it takes is 10 seconds of courage to write down a message and send it to someone you trust. You might lack the courage to carry it further - but send it to someone who cares enough to carry you. If you don't have someone like that in your life - heck, message this blog page! The journey may hurt - but it hurts a lot more to carry something for years. Trust me - I've carried this latest piece for thirteen years...
Comments