I lay there unsure what to do - not really knowing how to proceed. I've spent the last few weeks grasping at straws of control, trying anything I can to remain cool and composed. And then suddenly it was as if a lightbulb was switched on as the Holy Spirit whispered to me you've been fighting to have control of a life that you really need to be surrendering to me.
Which brings me back to lying there - not really knowing what to do next - realising the deep truth in that sentence. I have been asked many times in the last few weeks - the question everyone in the world is asking right now - how are you coping with quarantine? I have answered to a varying level of honesty - but the reality is I haven't been coping well - and the longer this draws on the more out of control I have felt. I have fought to keep up with uni, put in the required hours for my internship, manage my finances, keep fit, get good sleep, etc etc etc.
But the one thing I have stopped doing is spending time with God - surrendering it all to Him. I have been fighting a losing battle to control my life in a way that I have never been capable of and cutting my Heavenly Father out of the process. I have been fighting to have control of a life that is only fully alive when it is completely surrendered.
We can often be satisfied with a level of something - until we experience greater. To a child, sultanas may be good - until they taste chocolate. That car was a great car - until you get the new 2020 model. The peace I felt was amazing - until I experienced Gods peace. I have been ruined for anything less than the fullness and completely overwhelming peace, joy, hope, excitement, purpose, passion and life that I have experienced in God’s presence. Anything less than that just feels wrong to me now - it feels empty, hollow and incomplete. Which is exactly how I have felt the last few weeks.
The crazy part of surrender is that it makes us feel so out of control - and I am yet to meet a person who enjoys being out of control. But when we surrender our lives to God, our life doesn't become out of control - it just becomes out of our control.
As I lay there falling asleep I decided this: none of my life is worth living if it is not lived in the fullness and completeness of God - and so I will surrender it all to my loving Father and trust He is in control
PS - If you relate to this and need someone to talk to, I'm always around. Even if you don't know me you can contact me through the blog - I'd love to be able to share the hope, peace and love I have been blessed to experience!
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