TRIGGER WARNING: I like to talk openly about mental health and struggles - if this concerns you then proceed carefully I guess.
I cried as I drove, allowing the lyrics to make me feel.
“Now It's 6:15 and you're on your knees, blood is on your sleeves, and your lungs won't breathe, eyes are watering, body's shivering, and you're wondering what is happeningNow It's 6:23, and they're on their knees, begging Jesus please, can you make her breathecause they finally see what was happening underneath their nose and underneath your sleeves".
- Sara, We Three, a song that ends in suicide
I cried as I drove, allowing the lyrics to make me feel. Memories flooded my mind. There, standing on the street in Surfers Paradise, surrounded by hundreds of people standing on the street at 4 am. A young man had jumped off a 30 something level balcony. His best mates stood at the entrance of the hotel, sobbing, not knowing what to do. The girls who found the body were in shock. Everyone wanted to know what was happening. There was chaos, there was pain, and there was heaviness. His friends had known he wasn't ok, they weren't leaving him alone during the trip. When he left the club they let him because the others were still in the room. Little did they know the others were asleep.
That night is something I will never forget. Nor will I ever forget the first time I asked someone what the scars on her arm were from. The pictures a friend sent me of the blood and cuts on her leg - the best cry for help that she could manage - are forever seared into my mind. The time that friend handed me a suicide note as she walked out the door will never leave me. I still haven't come to terms with surprising someone by showing up to their house, only to walk in mid suicide attempt.
And as I drove all these emotions washed over me and I felt their pain, their need to feel something, their need for the noise and pain to stop. And I felt anger rise up inside of me. How can I sit on my couch and consume both endless and pointless material on Netflix when there are people like this out there? How can I be so selfish and self-centered?
William Wilberforce saw slavery abolished, Billy Graeme saw 3.2 million people saved at his crusades, Thomas Edison created the lightbulb, a crucial role in the harnessing of electricity, Florence Nightingale inspired modern nursing, Anne Frank drew attention to the hardships of the Jewish people. These are men and women who changed the world that we now know.
Some of my favorite world changers I see in movies - movies like freedom writers, woodlawn, coach carter: people who stood up and changed the lives of those around them. People whose life lived made the difference in others lives. I so desperately want to change the world like that!
I see the world, I see the joy, the laughter, the friendship and the love. But I also see the other side. I see the heartbreak, the injustice, the pain and the hopelessness. I refuse to live a life that does not change those around me for the better - so what will it take for me to change the world? It's easy to say I want to change the world. But it's hard to follow through. I often wonder, what am I made to do? How am I meant to change the world? I have cried over the pain that I see young people go through from broken families, youth with mental illness, single mothers - I so desperately, so much more than I can put into words, want to make a change!
I recently had a powerful dream, one where God challenged me to stand up and be a role model for young men around me. And then He said this "To be a role model to these young people, you have to live your life in a way that can be an example"
Who am I? What am I doing with my life? How can I waste so much of the short life on earth that I have been given consuming excessive entertainment? I need to make changes!
But if I'm honest, I'm selfish and easily distracted. I want to change the world, but I don't really want to sacrifice netflix, my savings account, rocket league or my sleep ins. I want to change the world, but I rarely pray for something intentionally for more than one day. I want to change the world, but I don't ask God what He wants me to do or where He wants me to go. I want to change the world - but only when it costs me nothing.
Do you relate? I don't know how other people feel, I don't know how far outside of our life bubble we think of, but surely there is a desire in all of us to make an impact? So how do we get beyond our comfort, our lack of consistency, our ill-discipline and our privilege, and begin to shape and mold the world around us?
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