Unfiltered

'Your so mature for your age'

'Your a leader'

'You're going to do great things'

This is what I've been told - people believe in me, are rooting for me - even fighting for me. But what if I can't live up to the expectations? What if the life I have lived has only been about pleasing others?

Some days I feel like I have it all together as I piece education and relationships together with experiences and dreams to create a world of success. Other days I feel like the biggest fake and the biggest failure - as if my life is one continual lie that will one day crash around me. Am I authentic or two faced? Even I don't know sometimes.

But one thing I do know - I feel pressure. I feel pressure to perform, to save money, to connect socially, to have it together, to dress well, to keep my life in a certain order, to rest well yet pack activities in. The problem is, as I scramble to keep up with the demands of those around me I quickly lose track of who I actually am in the process - and I lose track of those things that are most valuable to me amongst the constant and demanding cries of lesser tasks and expectations.

So how do I continue? I'm still young - 20 years, yet I feel the weight and expectation to decide now - what do I want to study? Where do I want to live? How do I want to live? Sometimes I don't even know what walking with God looks like. And when I do, I don't even always follow through. There are days when I want to give in to the temptation of guilt, shame, depression, and self loathing. It would be easier to accept these 'truths' and then live them out than it is to believe what has been spoken over me and try to live that out. Who wants to live a life where each day is harder than the last? What if I gave up on my passions and my desires in life and simply settled with working a 9-5 job? But I know that I need to. keep going, to keep pushing a little longer, to take another step. In faith. Is that blind? I don't believe so. I've witnessed God working in my life, I hear His voice directing me and comforting me, I've seen Him do the craziest of things. I know what He says of me and who He says I am - but so much of it is still only words I've heard. How am I to take what I know and believe to be true and have it transform the way that I think, act and behave? I can't do it, and so I must leave that to God - but in the middle of all the pressures put on me by others I struggle to find the time to sit and talk with God. Sit and talk with God? Yes, He is that personal - but I fail to make the time to spend with my all loving creator. Creating more doubt in my wisdom and ability. When will I get there? When will I look at myself and say 'ahh ok, now I've got it. Now I'm who I always wanted to be'?

I don't know, so for now I guess I just take another step in a journey that right now, feel a bit like a trudge.

(original post August 18, 2019)