Here's another one I wrote last year. I debated changing the opening paragraph as my view has since changed, but this is what I was feeling at the time - and this blog is about musings, not academia. I still think the ideas of this post carry through though!
"As horrible as it is, Covid may also be the best gift you ever receive in your life." That's what a pastor told me a few months ago - and what's even crazier is that the more I think about it, the more I agree. For the first time since I can remember I have stepped outside of my busy schedule. Or more accurately, my busy schedule evaporated overnight.
For the first time that I can remember, all of the business that I hide behind has been stripped away - leaving me to wrestle with myself and my insecurities. When I am busy I feel accomplished, capable and on top of the world. When that is gone, I have to face myself.
It's crazy the things we can subconsciously believe, and how that can affect key aspects of our lives. Here's one that I just realised - I view myself and God as equal in our relationship. If I don't read my Bible, pray, do the right thing by Him, then our relationship will suffer.
God and I are equally responsible for this relationship? Who am I kidding? This relationship isn't equal. Random Bible fact for you - When God made a covenant with Abraham, He made an agreement that if He let Abraham down He would pay the cost, and if Abraham let Him down, God would pay the cost for that too. I cannot hope to hold up my end of this relationship - which is why He never expected me to.
This all hit me like a ton of bricks recently and literally forced me to my knees with the realisation of His goodness. "God, how can you love me when I let you downtime and time again? When I don't spend time with you, when I make mistakes, when I get it wrong so often." But to let Him down would mean I was first holding Him up. This is not a peer to peer relationship - it is a father to son relationship. A baby doesn't let down its father when it wakes him up in the middle of the night, and the father does not see the child failing to understand something as destructive in their relationship. Why? Because a father expects to give it all without receiving it back. A parent's love is the most sacrificial and pure form of love that we can look to today if we wish to gain a glimpse at how God sees us.
And today as I sat, trying to focus on the Bible, to worship, to pray - I began to feel guilty because I was struggling to get it right. And then I remembered - I'm not holding Him up. God wants my heart, not my ability. He doesn't need me to get it right, He wants me to love Him - a child with their father.
So let me encourage you - if you ever worry that you aren't enough for God remember this: It's not what you do that makes you enough. You are enough because He says that you are. He calls you His child and he WANTS to be with you, He ENJOYS being with you, and He NEVER TIRES of you.
ps. Please know that I am not advocating for a relationship where we do not obey his commands or give to God. I am hoping though that we can understand in both our hearts and minds that when we do fall, it does not make him love us any less.
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