I was listening to a podcast the other day talking about life struggles, and the guy being interviewed said ‘Don’t be discouraged if you’ve been battling something for 4-5 years, these big battles take time'.
I nearly burst into tears as I drove. “What if it’s been 14?” Can I begin to feel discouraged yet? At what point does this end? At what point does my pain lead into a ministry, an ability to reach out to others -when does my pain gain a purpose?
I am wrestling because I believe in a God of miracles, a God with a plan and a purpose for my life, a God to whom my issues are trivial and yet important because I am his son. Yet this God has allowed me to struggle, with no end in sight, for over 14 years. When does this end?
What if it's been 14 years and now I’m losing ground? I am struggling through, crying into my pillow at night, fighting off waves of tiredness, sadness and defeat. I don’t know where to turn. I am ashamed to go to someone again who has tried to help. What's the point? I can’t ask them to join in on what may be a never-ending journey. I’d rather fight this myself - But that isn’t working. Nothing is working. In my fight against pornography, I have tried everything I could possibly think of. Accountability partners, software, removing internet access, selling my devices, paying money each time I fell, complete grace with no consequence, hiding, brazen openness, counselling sessions, a psychologist, being in a relationship, being single. None of it worked. And now I cannot even reach this battle against pornography for I am held up in a battle against OCD. Fighting compulsions and losing, day after day after day. WHEN WILL THIS END? WHAT IF IT'S BEEN 14 YEARS AND THERE IS NO SIGN OF REPRIEVE? WHAT IF I DON'T HAVE IT IN ME TO CONTINUE FIGHTING A LOSING BATTLE?
I honestly don't have anything left. I have no ideas, I feel defeated, I feel distant from God, lacking His peace and His presence, disconnected from godly community, and finding the idea of slipping into oblivion easier and easier. What if I stopped trying? What if I let go of relationships, grades, workplaces, and dreams? Used my savings and went soul-searching. Would I find an answer? Or simply end up delaying the issues by running? Where do I go? I don't know
Paralyzed. Paralysed by fear, by uncertainty, by not knowing. I don't have a clear 5-step plan this time, I don't have the answers. I have nothing.
God, I need something. I am not the one holding us up? Well, where are you? I have done nothing to deserve you, but you promised you would be here. Did you finally give up? Did I go too far? Am I beyond loving? I stopped doing so much to learn to accept love from being. Perhaps instead I just lost all the love and value I had. I know I am being needy, but I need something tonight. I am losing myself in this cloud of defeat. Or is it depression? I don't even know anymore.
January 5th, 2022
I wrote those words over 6 months ago, but I couldn't post them. I don't know if I will always stand by this decision, but I choose not to post anything from the depth of the pain but instead wait until God makes a move and there is hope. I do this simply because I am an emotional person and I don't want to just unload all my feelings onto a website, I want to share real, deep, valuable and vetted thoughts. However, I want to be honest and real, so I'm choosing not to remove the struggle I had with God from this post.
I've given this some time. I have chosen to be open and honest about my struggle with pornography. I hate pornography: yet despite my stance against it and my deep loathing for the industry and the associated harm, I remained trapped in a battle that I so often feel helpless to fight. And I cannot describe the mental anguish this has caused me.
But now, as I revisit this, what a change there has been. It started with a deep change in the middle of last year in the way I viewed myself, which I shared about in "Shadows from the past". God did come through. And I am experiencing the greatest freedom from pornography that I have had in my life to date. I still find it hard. And I may continue to make choices that I regret. But I am seeing growth and change.
August 14th, 2022
I don't really know why I didn't post this in August last year. But over a year later, I can say that I have won against pornography. Sure, there are still moments where there is temptation, but I am no longer stuck in it, I no longer give in. While it took far longer than I ever imagined, I treasure this freedom like nothing I have ever experienced. For anyone reading this who has been struggling for an area for longer than they thought possible - I found the end of that journey, and I believe you will too. If it's not good, God's not done. Life keeps getting better as I keep fighting through things that have held me back. Time for the next battle I guess.
Like always, if you have thoughts, questions or challenges, feel free to reach out!
October 2nd, 2023
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