“You know Josh, you’re no good to me if you're racing”
Rarely do words stick with me like this simple sentence, uttered to me in a conversation years ago. There is something in this, something that I think so many people need to hear and to understand - and so I created this draft. Nearly 2 years ago. Yet every time I went to write, I realised that I didn't know what to write. I didn't have an understanding of why this sentence stirred my soul at such a deep level.
But 2 years later, and this is the journey I'm now on. But to explain how I got back to this, first I will need to explain a little of my recent headspace. A lot has been happening, so bare with me.
"What's the point? I've spent 10 years trying, 10 years trying to take the next obedient step in God's plan, 10 years trying to grow, and 10 years trying to be the best version of myself. And nothing has changed! I give up".
These are words I aggressively, yet defeatedly, almost yelled at the man sitting across from me. These last few months have been hard - the life I was building all but crumbled in the space of 2 months. And as the dust was settling and I looked around, I felt like a failure. I'd moved from Sydney, I'd left my job, I'd left my church, I'd lost my relationship, and with it my dreams of the future. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, I didn't know who I wanted to be. I had no money, no plans, and no energy. I was burnt out, broken, and hurting. And I was feeling overwhelming shame, anger, guilt, fear, pain, and confusion. Trauma, on top of displacement, on top of heartbreak.
"What's the point?" I cried
"I'm done"
And this was the defeated headspace that I moved back to my parents with. I was broken, I was done, I didn't understand where I had gone wrong, but my life was not what I wanted it to be. Metaphorically I was lying on the floor defeated, without the energy to get back up.
Dramatic? Sure. Accurate? Absolutely.
I'm an emotional person. It's who I am. And I wasn't ok. And I'm probably still not - I have a crap ton of stuff to process from this year just gone. And amidst all of it, I keep thinking - where did I go wrong? I've shared my story with people and been vulnerable. I've spent time in church, in the scriptures, in worship, and with quality people. I've read books and listened to podcasts. I've tried to make wise choices, even when it's hard. I've tried to do all the right things. I've tried so hard. So f*****g hard. So why am I still such a mess?
And as the waves of grief kept coming, I didn't know what to do. And so I gave one last thing a try - I sat by my parent's damn and I prayed "God, help me. I can't do this".
"Come sit with me for an hour a day" was the reply I received from Him
And so I did
Day 1 with God, I burst into tears and started screaming about all the things that hurt, all the things that I didn't understand, and all the things that I needed him to fix. And his gentle response was this: "I didn't call you here to give me a list of things to fix. I called you here to come and sit and just BE with me".
I hated it. I wanted answers, progress, and direction of where to run next. I wanted to DO something. But somehow that hour gave me the peace to get through the rest of that day.
The next morning I woke up from dreams that left me spinning - an emotional wreck once again. And so I took my journal, my Bible, and went and sat with God for an hour. Just sat. And talked. And listened. I existed without trying to DO anything. And once again He gave me the peace to get through that day.
And each day I woke up again feeling overwhelmed. And each day I humbly went to the same spot to sit. Not to DO, but just to Be. And in this time I started to learn things.
Basically, I realised that there wasn't really a point to what I've been doing. I've spent the majority of my life trying SO HARD to become this perfect version of myself. I've been sacrificing my 'current life' to try and create a perfect 'future life' where I have an excess of money, a perfect family, answers to all of life's problems, and so much more. But the cost of this has been that my current life has been severely damaged. I have been so burnt out from constantly trying so hard that I haven't had time or energy to write or play guitar or draw. I haven't had the time or energy to invest properly into relationships around me, leaving me single and feeling distant from even my closest friends. I have been making life all about my plans, and trying to fit God in, but never really stopping to spend time with Him. I've been racing to get ahead, and instead, I've dug a hole.
"Josh, you're no good to me if you're racing"
What would my life look like if I stopped trying so hard to be perfect, and just enjoyed where I am at?
What if I stopped 'hustling' for the future, and was instead present in the current moment?
What if I spent an hour a day, for the rest of my life, just being WITH God and enjoying his company?
What if I stopped burning myself out in pursuit of being what others 'need' from me?
What if I stopped racing, and let myself exist?
This isn't a journey I've completed. I'm still not really ok. I still have a lot to process, a lot to let go of, and a lot to relearn. But perhaps I'm finally ready to accept the reality that I can't do everything, and instead, just enjoy the day that I've been given by my God.
And I wonder how many people are in similar cycles? Trying SO HARD to achieve something, but the something they are chasing really has no point? How many of us are racing to make the next commitment, listen to the next podcast, and plan next week - perhaps even all simultaneously? Are we doing that because it makes us happy? Or because it makes us feel a false sense of value to the people around us? We are racing so fast, but towards what? What life are we actually making for ourselves? What is the point? Because really, are we actually helpful to the people around us if we are racing?
And the more I explore this question, the more it makes me wonder. Not only what am I racing TOWARDS, but what am I racing AWAY FROM? What is it that makes me so uncomfortable sitting still? Why must I always feel busy? Why is my immediate reaction to failure an overwhelming urge to become productive? Could my perfectionism, my anxiety, my OCD, my striving, my unsettledness, my struggles with lust and my busyness all be related and caused by something deeper inside of me? What am I racing away from? But I think that is a question for another day, or days, by the dam.
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