Learning never stops - I think that’s something we can all relate to. Different seasons and new challenges teach us different and new things.
Lately, I've been doing a lot of soul searching, asking a lot of questions, and challenging why I think and behave certain ways. I've recognised thought patterns I have that sabotage relationships, I've uncovered hidden insecurities that I've tried to cover with validation and achievements, and in general I've just been learning more about the inner workings of my mind.
Now your mind and mine, they're as different as can be, but they have something very much in common. There are areas that we don't understand, parts that we love, thoughts that can scare us, and within is contained a seemingly endless maize of memories, hurts, fears, dreams, insecurities, regrets - you name it and it’s there. Sometimes I've allowed myself to feel so alone in my struggles, but the reality I'm learning is that everyone is the same. We as people go through situations and we think that our problems are colossal. And they can be. But I think we often miss the fact that we can be in a room where 10 other people are going through the same thing and not realise it.
So why not, I thought I would share a few things I've been learning. Maybe you will relate and find this helpful. Maybe it was for the other 10 people in the room...
1. I constantly question if I'm enough
I am many things, and I am capable at many things. Or at least that’s what the logical part of me says is true. The emotional side of me is always telling me that I'm not enough, that others are looking down on me, that I could be doing more if I really tried. I dream of doing more, or being better, of becoming the hero of the story. Maybe it's because I'm a perfectionist, maybe something in my childhood triggered this insecurity, but I have cried so many tears and pushed myself to collapse so many times trying desperately to 'be enough'.
But what I've come to realise is that I will both never be enough, and at the same time have been enough since the day I was born. Confused? Haha, let me explain
In the big picture of life, I am an insignificant man who is incapable of many things. When I look at my heroes, I can never match them. If my bar is Jesus, then I have even less hope. No matter what I do, who I try to impress, how great I am or how many people’s days I make better, I can never live up to my ideals of the perfect life.
But regardless of that, God looked at me and said I was enough for Him. He wanted me just as I am, He gave me a new identity as his Son, called me a prince, and set me up with a purpose. That might sound wishy washy nonsense to you, but I've been learning to live out of a confidence in who I am, that if I am enough that God wants me then I can enjoy life without having to constantly try and measure up. And it is so freeing, and way less tiring!
2. It must be deeper than my past
Relationship with God is a big part of my life. I don't know where you're at or what you believe, but regardless of whether you call yourself a Christian or not, please hear this: Relationship with God isn't meant to be logical and about following what He says. Obeying Him is a biproduct of trust and faith, but it's not the point. I won't try and teach here, but just hear me when I say that I have lived my life (for the most part) seeking to connect with God at an emotional, intimate level. And my life has been a wild ride. It's been incredible, exciting, often painful, but I wouldn't change it for anything! If you haven't experienced that, I dare you to try! If you aren't sure how, send me a message:)
(This isn't the point of what I'm typing, but I might start sharing some short testimonies on here if you want to read more about some of the crazy experiences I've had while following God. And send me some of yours! I get excited hearing testimonies and stories).
While intentionally pursuing a deeper connection with my God, I've learnt a lot and had some incredible times. But I (unbeknownst to myself) fell into the trap of basing my relationship around certain experiences. Over time I began to form habits of how and when I connected with God, and I wouldn't expect to hear Him or see Him do anything cool outside of those times. Those times were things like Sunday services, church staff meetings, small groups, Bible studies, and outreach events.
And then came (you guessed it) COVID, and the majority of these things stopped, or at the very least changed. I did a recent post called 'Did Covid change God?' that touched on some of my feelings, and I got a bunch of messaged from people who have been feeling the same.
But I've had to learn that just because in my past I connected in certain way, my relationship has to be deeper than these experiences! If I can't sit in my room and connect with God at the same level of depth as I can in the middle of corporate worship at church, then am I developing a relationship with my God, or my church's sub-woofer? And so just the other day I sat down, and I told God I wasn't moving or starting my day until I had some sort of encounter with Him, a touch of His peace, a word from Him - anything. But I wasn't going to continue allowing the depth of my relationship to be dictated by what I used to do.
3. Growth isn't a pre-condition to enjoyment
I'm 21. And I've spent 21 years of my life trying to grow through my issues, my frustrations, my hurts, and all my stuff. I've been trying to set myself up for... well what exactly? Life? Hahaha, I'm a few years late on that one then.
But that’s the thing - I've heard it said so many times to enjoy what you're doing now rather than waiting for the next thing. But it hasn't really clicked. I strategically think to the future, which is an awesome strength. But If I'm not careful (and until recently I haven't been), I get so caught up in preparing myself and growing into who I need to be for the next season that I never enjoy the current season I'm in.
Maybe that one's just me. I know so many people my age who seem to be living their best lives, enjoying adventures, dating, and always with a smile on their faces. But maybe I'm not the only one, driven with ambition to the point that I forget the whole point of it all. There's a saying something along the lines of 'Its about the journey not the destination'. I don't fully agree, I think it can be both. But I've been learning heaps about enjoying what I'm doing now. Not being so tight with my finances that I can't go on outings with friends. Not being so stressed about following my plans that I miss out on what I feel like doing (Have you ever gone to the shops to buy something, gotten there only to realise that you don't feel like that item, but still bought the item simply because you 'planned' to buy it? Well, I'm guilty. And yes, I have talked to a psychologist :P)
I'm sure if I took the time to think and to read over my journal there would be countless more, but those a few things I've been learning lately. Can I encourage you, rather than complaining about COVID has made you lose, stop and consider what you can learn in this season. Its a pretty unique opportunity...
So here's me, just trying to enjoy this life and live a life worthy of the one I've been called to.
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