Around this time last year I first launched my blog, musings of a young individual. I began to share with people my creative work along with my emotions and fears. I was vulnerable, and I conected with people through that, I received messages of people who I had challenged and helped. Around this time last year I was coming out of what had been the hardest season of my life, and I had run to God so much that I had never been closer. I could hear His voice clearly, I was enjoying His presence daily, and I felt a tangible peace every day. Around this time last year I felt I was at my strongest place of leadership I had ever been, I was on top of my schedule, I was thinking 5 steps ahead, and I was pouring into young people at my church. Around this time last year I was real, I was happy, and I felt healthy. But somewhere along the way I stopped being vulnerable, I stopped being honest, and I started trying to be the perfect person. When did I put this mask on and begin trying to convince people that I was ok? When did I start faking?
In my post 'Maybe it gets better tomorrow' I wrote this
"that nine-year-old boy sitting in a ditch became a thirteen-year-old boy afflicted with depression and suicidal thoughts. I came to a place that my reality was one of hurting so deeply I found ways to numb the pain yet kept up a facade to those around me that I was doing fine - my face said I was happy and had it all together - my heart said I couldn't take it anymore. That thirteen-year-old boy lost hope and could no longer see a future - until I heard three words. Standing in a room at a youth camp I closed my eyes and God spoke to me - 'I love you'. And that thirteen-year-old boy cried for the first time in two years - and those suicidal thoughts that had plagued me for around four years were broken overnight."
Just after this happened, at thirteen, I promised to myself that I would never again put on a mask and hide who I was or how I was. Since then I have been an open book, if someone asked me a question I would answer. Until recently...
As I sit here right now, I know that I have been lying to myself and to others about how I'm going. My life is one marked by a peace that follows me wherever I go - but that peace has been missing for months. I have been struggling to hear Gods voice, and it has left me confused. I have been double booking things and scrambling last minute with my plans, which just isn't me. But I shared on my blog that I had struggled, but I was getting better! I was growing through it, God is good, etc etc. I wanted to be seen by people as a godly, strong, capable individual. I wanted people to like me and to look up to me, and my insecurity couldn't allow vulnerabilty. And so I took my mask back up, I smiled and I said the right things, I threw myself into personal growth and development, education, church life. Someone who is doing so much can't possibly be unhealthy and hurting right?
But the longer it went on, the more it hurt me. And I knew something wasn't right, but I lived in denial, I was fine! Until a few weeks ago when I got a slap in the face, it all came apart, and I was left holding the pieces of shatered frienships and trust.
When did this start? How long have I had this mask on for? And how long is it going to take me to feel peaceful, happy and healthy again? I don't know the answers to any of these questions.
What scares me is how easy it was for me to get into this place, and how long I went before I realised that I was being fake. And it makes me wonder how many people live like this - trying to be something they are not because their own insecurity is given too much of a voice. I have realised I don't want to be seen as something I am not, becuase fake isn't fun for all that long. Its exhausting and I hate it. I would rather be viewed as a hurting, unhealthy dude than try and pretend to be something I'm not, and make myself sick in the process. I will work to uncover the inecurites and the shadows in my life that drive this, I will position myself before God and allow Him to heal and to grow me, and I will try to show wisdom in what I share and what I don't. But I want to lose the fear of vulnerability, I want to take the mask back off, and I want to admit that I'm really not that great. I'm a work in progress - there's been a lot of progress, but there's even more work yet to be done. And so I want to promise myself, but this time publically, to leave the mask off, and instead embrace who I am. I am a son of God, I live to enjoy life with Him and to share the hope of that relationship with others. I'm not perfect, I don't have all the answers, and I apologise to my future wife for all my flaws - but that's who I am, and so thats who I will be :)
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